My Boudoir Photo Shoot Experience

I am an exhibitionist.  This isn’t something that I’ve been too cognizant of for most of my life. In fact, it seems somewhat counter-intuitive, because I go out of my way NOT to be noticed.  Ever since high school, when I endured a major trauma and just wanted to disappear, I’ve tried to NOT draw the eyes of strangers or friends.

When I get my hair cut or colored differently, I hate it when people comment on it.  When I lost a lot of weight, I shied away from those who hadn’t seen me in a while, just to avoid the comments about my new look.  I don’t wear heavy make-up or revealing clothing. (Okay, not usually.)  I tend to go through life quietly, glad when people’s eyes pass over me without a second glance.

Yet, there is a part of me that craves the eyes of strangers.  I have ignored that part my entire life. It just didn’t seem safe, or even plausible, that I could make others notice me in a positive way.  But it is there. I’ve noticed it more and more this past year.

My husband, K, and I are on a sexual journey. We’re discovering new things about each other and are reveling in the experiences.  We’ve tried a lot of new things so far, and for the most part, we’ve really enjoyed them.  Each new experience causes us to stop and reflect.  Sometimes the reflection only lasts for a few hours, as we decide that we really liked whatever new thing we had just tried.  (Ropes!  I just discovered that I absolutely LOVE the way my body looks when it’s all tied up.  Wow!)

Sometimes the reflections take a bit longer to absorb.  My boudoir photo shoot was one of these experiences.  I went to the photography studio on the day of my appointment, apprehensive and nervous on the drive there. I had to drive an hour to get to the studio, located in the nearest big city to my little town.  I didn’t wear panties or a bra – no lines pressed into the skin.  So I drove there, in a t-shirt and skirt, nervous yet excited.  Okay, maybe I pulled the skirt up a bit higher as I drove.  Getting in the mood, right?

When I walked into the studio, something amazing happened.  My nerves disappeared. It was like this was something I had waited my whole life to do.  I got my make-up done, chose the outfits I planned to wear, and then, after a deep breath, told the photographer that I wanted some of the photos to be completely nude.

If you read my last blog, you know the part of the shoot that I had the most trepidations about was having my face photographed.  Somehow, I managed to let those fears go away.  It felt completely natural to walk around this studio, in and out of different rooms, wearing, first, a bustier, panties, stockings, and heels;  then a leather skirt and heels;  then a chain thong that was TOTALLY revealing; then, no clothing at all.  I wasn’t shy, or embarrassed, or nervous, or anything. I just felt sexy.  It was amazing.

Not all of the photos were great.  I hated one entire set, because the lipstick that the make-up girl used on me for those shots really washed my face out and made me look hideous.  But most of the photographs were great, and the ones I loved the most? Those of me completely nude, lying on the bed.  I loved the thought of eyes on me as I lay on my back and posed in different positions.

I can’t get over how pretty my face looks in these pictures.  I’m simply blown away by the fact that I’m pretty.  I think that in a few of the photos, I’m even beautiful.  I don’t know how to whisper a word that I type – smaller font will have to show that I’m scared to even speak that word out loud.  I don’t think I’m beautiful on most days. On most days, I don’t even think I’m pretty.  But in those pictures?  I am.

We picked out the photos to go in the booklet that we’re getting.  And I got 2 separate photos, close-ups of my face, to remind myself that I too, can be pretty.  Perhaps even beautiful.

Boudoir Photography Shoot? Me?

So, I’m going to get my picture taken next week.  Over and over. I’ve scheduled a boudoir photo shoot. Actually, it was mostly K’s idea.  He loves the idea of boudoir photos and encouraged me to try it.  It was WAY more expensive that I thought it would be, but he was so totally supportive. And I admit, the thought of modeling partly nude, and perhaps even completely nude, really gets me going. 

I know the photos will be tasteful and exciting, no shots of my crotch close up or my butt cheeks spread.  This is a good thing, because I’m nervous enough already.  I’ve always had a secret exhibitionist streak, but this is new to me.  Choosing to get in front of a camera? For 3 hours?  With lingerie, mile high heels, and make-up?  I’m pretty nervous.

I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past year, and my body looks pretty good. I’ve been exercising to tone and strengthen and tighten, but I have some areas that make me uncomfortable. Do you know where you lose weight first, girls? That’s right. The boobs.  And if you lose weight quickly, like I did, due to a long illness?  The boobs really shrink. And not just shrink. Deflate. I used to take my boobs for granted, and now, I just want to cry. And I have extra skin around my belly left. It looks fine if I stand or lie down, but bend over, or get on my hands and knees?  I hate the way I have extra skin on my belly.  

Yes, I’m starting to fixate on the problem areas, instead of my good areas.  And I do have good areas.  I’m short, but when I put on mile-high heels, my legs look pretty damn good. And my ass is nice. I really like how my ass looks, especially in heels.  

K likes all parts of me, even those I hate. He’s wonderful and supportive, and mostly, I’ve learned to let go of the self-hatred and work on the self-worth.  

Do you know the hardest part of the shoot, for me? It’s having them photograph my face.   I’ve always felt ugly.  Ever since childhood, I’ve done what I can to turn attention away from myself.  I’ve learned to like my body, okay, at least most of it, but my face? Not so much.  I’ll concede that I’m not ugly. But I definitely am not beautiful. I have never been one to turn heads, to attract the guys. And okay, I admit I never tried,either. But still. To have a camera taking pictures of my face?  I’m pretty nervous. 

But I’m going to do it. Take the plunge. Take the panties off and put the thongs on. I’ve bought the lingerie and have begun the countdown.  Just a few days to go, and then…..SHOWTIME.